Old habits die hard.
I am always putting too much pressure on myself, setting high expectations and then having to deal with the emotions and guilt that follow if I don’t meet those expectations. I’ve done this since I was a child and as we all know, old habits die hard.
This summer has been less fun and more annoying than I would have wanted and my recent injury and downtime have exacerbated the thoughts and feelings I’ve been grappling with over the recent months. Between work, personal matters, and the kittens I’m fostering, I’ve started to feel incredibly overwhelmed by everything I’m currently trying to manage. Dealing with my injury over the last month became so time-consuming, attending appointments 3x a week. When I have had free time, it’s been spent caring for Gigi, one of the kittens I have been fostering who is suffering from some not-yet-diagnosed liver/GI/neurological issues. For the past 5+ weeks, my life has consisted of getting up for work between 5:30AM and 6AM, caring for the five, FIVE, cats currently in my tiny apartment (it was seven, so let’s remember that it could always be worse), showering and getting ready for work, getting to my office by 7:45, working until 4:30PM or later, attending a chiropractor appointment for an hour plus, 3 nights a week, getting home around 7PM, and then taking care of the cats all over again (which is a lot more time-consuming than one would think - the cleaning is non-stop when you have a sick kitten who likes to pee and poop anywhere BUT the litter boxes). In between all of this, I’ve been dealing with deaths in my family, weddings, baby showers, taking Gigi to the vet, etc.
***~~~***~~~*** KITTEN BREAK ***~~~***~~~***
Gigi is cute but she literally poops EVERYWHERE: my closet, the couch, my white shag rug (which had to be thrown out), behind the toilet bowl, ON THE WALL, cat beds, on a pair of red suede pumps, a Swiffer Wet Jet, inside a cat tunnel, on Ben and Martin’s food mat… she is ruthless.
Ok, back to the serious stuff.
Someone from the outside looking in would understand why I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed and haven’t had the time for other things. Instead, I end up feeling disappointed in myself, or guilty for not being able to commit to the things I want to do (or for having to back out of things I have committed to). I guess, really, I feel like I’m failing.
I was speaking with a friend this weekend and realized it feels like I have lost part of my identity over the last few months. I’ve felt so consumed by trying to do everything that I think needs to be done that I haven’t had time to do the things I want to do. When I do have some downtime, I find myself too tired to participate in all of the things that I enjoy and that normally shape my life. With cycling on the back burner lately, I am definitely feeling some FOMO and jealousy when I see everyone else out on their bikes or get a glimpse into their lives (via social media, OF COURSE), which appear to be teeming with cycling-related activities. I make these comparisons and start to feel less-than. Why aren’t I cycling as much? Why aren’t I going on the long rides that everyone else is going on? Why aren’t I more dedicated to riding? Shouldn’t I be making more of an effort? More importantly, how will I ever accomplish the riding goals I set for myself at the beginning of this year?! And how embarrassing will it be to not achieve them?!
This is clearly not a healthy thought process but unfortunately, it’s pretty much the only way, and has been the only way, I think about things. I put the same amount of pressure on myself in every aspect of my life. To what end?
Continuing in my typical fashion, I nearly convinced myself that I was ready for the Girls Bike NYC Sunday ride. After not making the last couple of rides because of my back, I’ve been missing that feeling of community but have also started running through what I perceive peoples’ opinions of me are as a result of my absence. I’ll start projecting some of my feelings about my situation onto cyclists I have gotten to know and assume that they are being just as critical of me. This thought pattern has proven to be extremely unhealthy and maladaptive over the years so what’s gonna give?!
I’ve asked myself essentially the same question in the last two paragraphs.
If I can take anything away from these experiences, it’s that I need to slow down. I am always in a rush. Always. Is it just innate, because I’m a New Yorker? I’d like to blame it on that but I know that this is just my MO. What is the rush to get back onto my bike when my body just isn’t ready for it? What’s the rush to reach a certain goal, in cycling or otherwise? Slowing down also gives me the opportunity to have some perspective, be more self-reflective, and appreciate the positive people and experiences that are part of my life.
But, since my habits are still engrained, I’m going to need a bit of help. This past weekend, I was upset for thinking I could make the Sunday ride but then having to back out. On top of that, I had set all of these unnecessary deadlines in my head - finish laundry, clean my bikes, go grocery shopping, organize my bedroom, drop off packages at the post office. Who says they needed to get done this weekend? Me. I did. Only me, no one else! So why am I doing this to myself?!
(If you’re keeping track, that’s the third time I’ve asked this question; I am nothing, if not persistent.)
Fortunately, my partner has been extremely supportive and so willing to speak to me about the things I’m feeling and why I’m feeling them. “Slow down when you’re going fast,” are probably the words he speaks most to me.
Slow down.
I remarked to my friend that this became more of a journal entry than a blog post but you’re welcome anyway.
This past weekend was the first free weekend that I have had in a while and I felt compelled to make the most of it, which I thought could only be accomplished by making tons of plans.
Slow down. I’m just going to keep reminding myself.
On Saturday, we rode to Prospect Park for a picnic. We packed drinks and sandwiches and snacks, and settled on a spot at the southern end of Prospect Park Lake. We listened to some music while I called out the wildlife (lol). But actually, I did spot a few things: two great blue herons, TOO MANY red eared sliders, Canada geese, mallards & swans (obviously), a spotted sandpiper, herring gulls, and then I also saw a squished rat when I was stopped at a red light on the ride to the park.
Despite the sweltering temperatures, I embraced the sweat, and was once again reminded of my need to spend time outdoors in order to stay in an at least semi-functioning state. And we know that a visit to the Prospect Park Dog Beach ALWAYS helps cure a case of the blues…
After work today, I was finally able to stop by Kate’s and pick up my Girls Bike NYC t-shirt.
This made everything a little better.
