Buckle Up
I meant to sit down and share a new post here on a few occasions. But, I have been struggling. Struggling to find the source of and to manage the anxiety I have been experiencing, struggling with sleep, struggling with my interpersonal relationships, and struggling with my own relationship with myself.
The pandemic totally disrupted our daily lives and we had no choice but to manage in whatever way we could. We’ve done our best to adjust during these times, and now, it seems we’ve reached our “new normal.” So no more changes to adapt to, right?
Wrong. Now I’m the reason for the changes.
This period, difficult as it was, has presented us with a unique opportunity for reflection. But it really hasn’t been until now, almost three years into this way of living, that I am forcing myself to reflect more than I ever have before. Over the last decade of my life, I was busy enough to avoid any necessary introspection because I had a pseudo-plan in place: I was in graduate school at Penn, studying behavioral neuroscience. Following graduation, I went back to school for a teaching certificate. While I was teaching, I went back to grad school for a third time, to obtain a second master’s degree in geosciences, with a concentration in earth and space sciences because, for some reason, New York State didn’t think my master’s degree from an ivy league school would cut it (this is true and absurd lol). I had a partner for most of this period and as I worked on my educational goals, he was alongside me, working on shaping up his personal business. I always had something else to work towards because I always had someone telling me what to work towards, or at least this idea of what a “successful” person should be working towards.
People in my life who wanted the best for me told me what to do but it turns out, none of these efforts were what was actually best for me. For so long, I was busy working on this plan that wasn’t even really mine. It was filled with decisions made to appease others, to fill a certain role in society, to achieve things I was assured would only serve me in life. Maybe they would have served me, if that was the kind of life I wanted.
I am not blaming anyone for anything because, although I might need to learn something the hard way (I’ve dropped out of grad school not once, but twice!), every experience I have had has been an opportunity for growth and at least a chance to figure out what I’m not happy doing.
So, what is the life I want for myself? The short answer, the only answer really, is: I don’t know. This might sound ridiculous but I never stopped to ask myself this because I never had to; there was always already a plan paving the way for the next few years of my life. Now, there is no plan. And I’m terrified.
That fear is starting to dissipate a bit, as I have finally started dedicating more time to figuring myself out, but it can be challenging and I am recognizing that getting through this period will require a lot of effort on my part.
I realize that thus far, this post has not talked about bicycles once! As I was writing, I thought maybe this wasn’t the right space to share how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been thinking. I had to remind myself that the whole reason for doing this was to make people like me, and the experiences we have, more visible in the cycling community. I know other people struggle with feeling represented (for most people, it’s a much greater struggle than it is for me as a mostly white woman) or beat themselves up too much over not riding as much as they should, or sometimes just have so much going on in their lives that cycling needs to take a back seat. I’m writing this for myself and for all those other people. I am not alone, you are not alone.
I am one type of rider out of so many kinds. Maybe that’s the problem - people don’t realize how many different kinds of people call themselves cyclists. For so long, I didn’t refer to myself as or identify as a “cyclist,” because I didn’t look like or ride like the classic portrayal of the slim male, riding around in lycra, hunched over in an aggressive position on some expensive-ass carbon frame. Those cyclists are human, probably experiencing a lot of the same challenges that other riders face, but those universal struggles aren’t discussed or recognized often enough (probably in an effort to maintain the elite image of a cyclist that has been perpetuated for so long).
So I’m here, talking about my challenges, and acknowledging that life gets in the way sometimes. There is rarely a linear path to achieving things and I will be your reminder of that (and as always, will continue to remind myself).
Life hasn’t been all that bad though! Time to focus on good news and some of the fun things I’ve been up to!
Little Eleanor is starting to feel a little better and is actually acting like a kitten now! The most recent tests that were done were still inconclusive, but her behavior seems to be improving and she’s putting on weight! She’ll be turning six months old soon and just hit two pounds, which is tiny for her age, but a milestone I could never have imagined reaching a few months ago.
And even though it hasn’t been as often as I would have liked, I’ve been getting on my bike and managing to fit in some local rides to take in all the great fall weather we’ve been having.
I also got myself out for a solo 75-mile ride from Brooklyn to Brewster. The weather was perfect, I listened to spooky podcasts (and some Ja Rule and Ashanti), I saw some deer, I felt stronger than I thought I would, and I ended the day eating a quesadilla and drinking some beers in a cantina in Brewster. I caught a train home around 7 PM and ran into another cyclist who had done the same ride!
It had been a while since I did a solo ride like this. Remember how long I lamented about not having a group to ride with?! Finding a club like Girls Bike NYC has been such a great experience, but it was refreshing to have this time alone on my bicycle. I tried to be as present as possible for this ride and it was a good opportunity to decompress and get back to the kind of riding that has defined and shaped my cycling experience the most so far.
Next was the Girls Bike NYC Halloween ride!!! Halloween is my favorite holiday so I couldn’t pass this one up. I decorated my Pack Rat with pumpkin lights, donned my bat costume, and selected a spooky playlist that was the soundtrack for our ride. But the morning was not uneventful! Instead of being responsible and checking my tires the night before, I waited until 30 minutes before we were supposed to roll out. I forgot that the last time I rode this bike, my friend filled my tires and broke the valve stem on the rear tube. I started to get nervous because the last time I had a flat on this bike, I had SO much trouble getting the gravel tires back onto the wheel after the repair. Also, I had zip tied my Halloween lights to the Surly and those suckers were not coming off THAT bike and getting onto a different one in time. I knew I had to replace the tube so first I googled, “how to remove a tire tube when it is still inflated and the valve is broken so you cant remove air”. That very clear and concise search term did not yield the results I would have expected. Next came, “how to remove tire tube with broken calve [sic] stem”. Panic has set in and spelling is out the window. That search somehow led me to this video. I wasn’t looking to repair the stem, that’s for sure. But it helped me at least figure out how to remove the broken part and deflate the tire enough to remove the tube and replace it with a new one.
Don’t worry - the above picture was taken after the ride. I didn’t have time for a broken valve photo shoot after making the repair.
We met at GAP at 9 AM but the drama wasn’t over for me. For whatever reason, making the repair to my tire totally messed up the distance between the rear brake pads and the rim. It’s been a little while since I’ve complained about my V brakes… On this occasion, I wasn’t able to get the noodle back into the cradle of the quick release.
Source: Bike Boo Boos
I rode to the meeting point with only my front brakes, naïve little me assuming someone would know how to fix V brakes. Guess what? No one did, because V brakes stink.
***JK JK I know that V brakes have their advantages. I just don’t know what I’m doing.***
Kate and BoBi both tried helping me but we didn’t have any luck. I could fix it by lengthening the brake cable but at this point, didn’t have enough time. “You can ride with just your front brakes, right?!,” asked Kate. I hopped on my bike and we were off on our spooky laps around Prospect Park.
We left Prospect Park at the south end and rode down to the Halloween House in Ditmas Park. Bobi found her twin.
After the visit to the house, we finished up the rest of the lap of the park (Trick or Treat - Kate picked trick and we did an extra lap than was advertised and rode so fast the whole time and my little 1x Pack Rat couldn’t keep up hahaha). Afterwards, we made our way to Principles GI Coffee House, a coffee shop opened by Katie, one of the leaders of nightCAP! Katie collaborates with Joe from 718 Cyclery and he uses the space in the back of her coffee house for the free classes he offers. I had been wanting to visit since the shop opened so I’m glad we all got to hang out in such a welcoming, safe place. It didn’t hurt that they let our entire crew bring our bikes in while we were there!
I got home and, you guessed it, ended up on the floor with this cider.
This is incredibly long and maybe if I was a savvy, hip blogger, I would have split this post up into a few different ones to keep you coming back for more! But, I’m not savvy or hip so like I said at the top, I hope you buckled up.
